The Christmas Stocking: A Tale of Miscarriage, Hope and Miracles

I met my husband when I was 34 years old. We both had no children. We both loved Star Wars, Star Trek and Lord of the Rings. We fell in love at warp speed.

Within weeks we were speaking about how much we wanted our own little Hobbits to be running around. Within months we moved in together, then eloped in Lake George, NY.

We knew that we were meant for each other, and we knew that we wanted to try to have a baby as soon as possible.

Due to past issues with ovarian cysts and Endometriosis, both of which I had to have surgery for, I was worried about whether or not I would be able to have children. I didn’t know if the force would be with me in this endeavor.

We went to see the specialist who had performed my surgery for Endometriosis, at Weill Cornell Medical Center in NYC. He said that in his professional opinion I should be able to conceive.

We went home ecstatic and I was pregnant within a month. We were so happy, and began making plans and discussing baby names.

I fell in love with the name Jaina, after I saw my husband creating a Photoshop wallpaper of Jaina Solo, a character from the Star Wars Expanded Universe.

He told me about how he had been dreaming of having a son named Ryan for as long as he could remember.

I loved that name for a boy, and he loved the name I picked out for a girl.

A few days after our doctor appointment, we went to Michael’s craft store for some decorations for our first Christmas together.  One of the first things I saw was a little stocking that had the name Ryan imprinted on it.  I felt a feeling of warmth rush through me so I bought it.

We found out months later that we were having a baby girl.  We were thrilled that our little Jaina would be coming, but I never forgot about that stocking and kept it on my shelf.

Our first year as parents was amazing.  Our little girl looked like an Elven princess, and was so easygoing.  She made us want to have more kids, and we wanted to make her happy by providing a sibling.

We were pregnant again when our daughter was thirteen months old.  We were so happy that our children would be close in age. They could be Jedis together and fight the dark side. We heard the baby’s heartbeat and thought everything was fine.

Then it wasn’t.

At our thirteen week pregnancy checkup the heartbeat was gone.  I tried to let out a scream but couldn’t. I wondered why my sweet baby left me.

This happened four more times, for three more years.  Each loss was very difficult.  I put a blanket on the pain, each thread kept the sorrow in.

Some people told me that maybe I should consider adoption, or maybe I wasn’t meant to have more children.  But each time I glanced at that stocking, I knew that I was on the right path, and that a Christmas miracle would occur.

Though I was very sad about it, and struggling with it, I never lost hope. Deep down I always knew he would come. I didn’t know how or when, I just never gave up trying.

Then in October 2010, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy named Ryan.

Someday I will tell him this story.  I will tell him how hard we tried to have him, and how we never gave up.  I will tell him how we loved him years before he came. I will tell him to have faith and to listen to his inner voice…or the voice of Yoda.

I will give the Christmas stocking to him one day. I hope he will cherish it as much as I do.

I hope he will believe in miracles, for he is one….

Kathy ❤

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